[ Izou's really been thinking of her far more than she thought, and she's still not sure how to feel about that. ]
I... wish I could say it was easier to start viewing him an entirely different way after spending all this time as his friend, but it really isn't. It sort of feels scary to try all over again, even though it isn't exactly "all over again".
[ He's so right. She's going to chew on it intermittently. ]
I know how to be a friend. That's easy. [ Mostly. ] But... I don't remember really having any romantic experience. Maybe a crush or two, but it wasn't really anything serious. I've read and watched more of it than I've experienced it.
So it feels like there's a lot more I could mess up.
To circle back to that pin: I don't think romance and friendship are really that different. Your partner is, in many ways, your best friend.
[ He motions at her with his stick of pocky. ]
There are risks inherent in any type of relationship. People are complicated and nuanced, after all. If fear is part of what's holding you back, don't let it.
Edited (repetition my old nemesis) 2024-05-04 19:59 (UTC)
Right... Well, if it comes to that, I do feel a little better about it.
[ At the very least she hasn't fallen on Izou yet. Been pinned against the wall by Izou two different times in the earlier stages of friendship, yes, but that's different. ]
[ March??? THAT'S NOT A NORMAL PART OF FRIENDSHIP. ]
As for the rest, I can't tell you how to feel. Only help you work it out for yourself. I do think your friendship needn't change, and your relationship does not need to "start over." You just need to ask yourself if you'd be okay with your friendship growing in a romantic direction instead.
For instance, if he'd asked you on a date before kissing you, what would you have said?
I... guess I would have said yes? It's not that I don't like him or that he isn't good-looking, even if I wouldn't have called him my type when I first met him... [ Wow. ]
But I like spending time with him. Romantically, though...
[ This would maybe be easier if she'd let herself think of it before now. ]
Because I don't actually know if I would have! I really just--was happy to have him as a friend a-and--
[ Well, he's dead. But Winter doesn't know that, maybe. And March is the kind of girl who would still take what time she can get, so that's actually not a big deal in the larger scheme of things. The problem is...
... A note of distress enters her breathing, shallow but present, and March lowers her hands to grip at her skirt. ]
[ He frowns. It's certainly not his intention to give her some sort of panic attack, but clearly she's got some things she needs to work out for herself, too.
He reaches down, resting a hand over hers where it clenches at her clothes. ]
[ She doesn't want to talk about it. She really doesn't want to talk about it. She wants to be the happily smiling March 7th who keeps her chin up and doesn't dwell too hard on her past--and she doesn't, not often, but-- ]
Whatever secrets my memories hold... it was bad enough to get sealed off on purpose. And I do want to know, even with all the warnings they gave me, and how they tried to stop me, saying that it was for the best that I didn't dig deeper, but...
[ Her fingers are shaking, slightly. Not a realization she expected to have today, in this conversation, but Winter's always been good at getting to the heart of things. To her own detriment, this time. ]
Maybe I... did something really terrible. Maybe I'm a monster. And I don't think I'd want to... try for something more with anyone, without letting them know that first. And I know it's stupid, but I'm so... scared of losing someone precious to me because of something I'm still trying to unlock!
[ It all sort of tumbles out of her in one go, and Winter realizes that this is a burden she must have been carrying with her for a while. Since the day she took up her new name and decided to present someone smiling and bubbly to the world. The person she's crafted herself into is as much a shield as the ones she creates with her abilities. There's an ironic sort of poetry in that.
Winter can only empathize to a point - he's not lost the whole of who he is, just those very early years.
His hand squeezes around hers. He's still here, and he's certainly not going anywhere. ]
I can't fathom how terrifying it must be, being in your position. I think... you're well within your rights to be scared. It's not stupid at all - the unknown is indeed scary. I also think it's admirable that you are constantly trying to move forward and remain a bright presence despite all that. Losing half of what you've lost would break most people.
But... who you are now matters just as much as who you were then. March 7th deserves to live, and to love. She deserves to make her own memories. If you uncover something terrible- [ He leans over, reaching across himself with his free hand to press a finger to her chest, right where her heart beats. ] -March 7th gets to decide how to move forward from that. And I think... no, I know, she's the kind of person who can inspire others to stay by her side no matter what might happen. Don't force yourself to go through this alone.
[ It could be worse. It's always what she'd told herself--in the earlier days, when she'd adjusted slowly to the people around her. At least they had been kind. At least they were going to let her stay with them.
Even if there was this black hole where her memories should be and each day had drifted by without her recalling anything, at least she had gained a new name. A way to preserve her memories, going forward. At least now, slowly but surely, she had a family.
And even as she'd learned more, it had never been nothing. At least now she knew her memories had been deliberately sealed. At least now she knew who (or what) was behind it. At least she knew it was apparently for her own good.
If she thought that way, it wasn't daunting. She could smile sheepishly at Himeko's comment that she was impressed at her resilience. She could keep going. She could keep those quieter moments of fear to herself, the blanket pulled over her head in the middle of the night, reminding herself that she was still where she wanted to be.
Voicing it now feels... wrong, almost. Like she shouldn't have said it and, for a few seconds, she almost feels sick. But it's out there now and Izou... Izou should know it too, if he's serious about her. He'd said he didn't want to lose her and she doesn't want to lose him too, but at the same time, what if this is too much?
--Oh right, Winter is talking. ]
I... [ Oh, her tone sounds watery. Hold on, let her clear her throat. ]
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[ Can she slump sideways against him, she's gonna. ]
This is so embarrassing...
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[ What a way to find out... (Also yes she can slump and I can definitely read.) ]
He was also, perhaps, a wee bit drunk.
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... I was gonna say, that doesn't sound like him. But I guess he does let his guard down a lot when he's drunk.
[ She sure found that out fairly early on! ]
I didn't know he was that worried about it... I told him he didn't have to repay me.
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That's the thing about caring for someone. You'll want to do something nice for them regardless. Clearly he thought you were worth it.
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I... wish I could say it was easier to start viewing him an entirely different way after spending all this time as his friend, but it really isn't. It sort of feels scary to try all over again, even though it isn't exactly "all over again".
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[ Offers more pocky! It feels like sheβs going to need it while they work through this. ]
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I know how to be a friend. That's easy. [ Mostly. ] But... I don't remember really having any romantic experience. Maybe a crush or two, but it wasn't really anything serious. I've read and watched more of it than I've experienced it.
So it feels like there's a lot more I could mess up.
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[ He motions at her with his stick of pocky. ]
There are risks inherent in any type of relationship. People are complicated and nuanced, after all. If fear is part of what's holding you back, don't let it.
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I bet you dipped him and everything.
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[ True story. ]
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[ Affectionately. ]
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[ she's laughing, though. ]
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Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that there's no perfect way to go about it.
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[ At the very least she hasn't fallen on Izou yet. Been pinned against the wall by Izou two different times in the earlier stages of friendship, yes, but that's different. ]
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As for the rest, I can't tell you how to feel. Only help you work it out for yourself. I do think your friendship needn't change, and your relationship does not need to "start over." You just need to ask yourself if you'd be okay with your friendship growing in a romantic direction instead.
For instance, if he'd asked you on a date before kissing you, what would you have said?
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I... guess I would have said yes? It's not that I don't like him or that he isn't good-looking, even if I wouldn't have called him my type when I first met him... [ Wow. ]
But I like spending time with him. Romantically, though...
[ This would maybe be easier if she'd let herself think of it before now. ]
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I don't get it. If you would have gone out with him if he'd asked, why the hesitation now?
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[ Well, he's dead. But Winter doesn't know that, maybe. And March is the kind of girl who would still take what time she can get, so that's actually not a big deal in the larger scheme of things. The problem is...
... A note of distress enters her breathing, shallow but present, and March lowers her hands to grip at her skirt. ]
If I... if I really like him, I...!
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He reaches down, resting a hand over hers where it clenches at her clothes. ]
It's okay. Just come out with it. You what?
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Whatever secrets my memories hold... it was bad enough to get sealed off on purpose. And I do want to know, even with all the warnings they gave me, and how they tried to stop me, saying that it was for the best that I didn't dig deeper, but...
[ Her fingers are shaking, slightly. Not a realization she expected to have today, in this conversation, but Winter's always been good at getting to the heart of things. To her own detriment, this time. ]
Maybe I... did something really terrible. Maybe I'm a monster. And I don't think I'd want to... try for something more with anyone, without letting them know that first. And I know it's stupid, but I'm so... scared of losing someone precious to me because of something I'm still trying to unlock!
[ That includes Winter too, honestly. ]
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Winter can only empathize to a point - he's not lost the whole of who he is, just those very early years.
His hand squeezes around hers. He's still here, and he's certainly not going anywhere. ]
I can't fathom how terrifying it must be, being in your position. I think... you're well within your rights to be scared. It's not stupid at all - the unknown is indeed scary. I also think it's admirable that you are constantly trying to move forward and remain a bright presence despite all that. Losing half of what you've lost would break most people.
But... who you are now matters just as much as who you were then. March 7th deserves to live, and to love. She deserves to make her own memories. If you uncover something terrible- [ He leans over, reaching across himself with his free hand to press a finger to her chest, right where her heart beats. ] -March 7th gets to decide how to move forward from that. And I think... no, I know, she's the kind of person who can inspire others to stay by her side no matter what might happen. Don't force yourself to go through this alone.
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Even if there was this black hole where her memories should be and each day had drifted by without her recalling anything, at least she had gained a new name. A way to preserve her memories, going forward. At least now, slowly but surely, she had a family.
And even as she'd learned more, it had never been nothing. At least now she knew her memories had been deliberately sealed. At least now she knew who (or what) was behind it. At least she knew it was apparently for her own good.
If she thought that way, it wasn't daunting. She could smile sheepishly at Himeko's comment that she was impressed at her resilience. She could keep going. She could keep those quieter moments of fear to herself, the blanket pulled over her head in the middle of the night, reminding herself that she was still where she wanted to be.
Voicing it now feels... wrong, almost. Like she shouldn't have said it and, for a few seconds, she almost feels sick. But it's out there now and Izou... Izou should know it too, if he's serious about her. He'd said he didn't want to lose her and she doesn't want to lose him too, but at the same time, what if this is too much?
--Oh right, Winter is talking. ]
I... [ Oh, her tone sounds watery. Hold on, let her clear her throat. ]
G-geez, why can't you be this nice all the time?
[ Let her cope too, actually-- ]
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